i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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