You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
