I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
