between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's shark week go big or go home
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
