one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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