She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
