You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I checked into jail on foursquare
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
