you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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