that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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