Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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