I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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