Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
someone threw a dead crab at me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
