How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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