chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
