Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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