On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
