Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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