There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
