i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
