My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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