I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
