in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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