Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
