i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Holy shit dude........stairs
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
