There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
