i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
