Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
