Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
