He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
