So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
