im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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