I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
