I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
