ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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