So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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