First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
