All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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