just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
