I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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