i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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