And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm bleeding and have questions
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
