I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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