I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
