I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
