Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
