I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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