I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
