Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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