Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
