You smell like a Billy Joel song
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
